behind closed doors
Go back with me to two weeks ago. I was at ToysRus and as I was entering the store with my then well-behaved child (I add this because I may have felt differently if she was being a pill), a women was attempting to exit the store with her two children, one boy one girl, the oldest (boy) being around 12 and the girl being around 9. As I'm putting Tea in the cart near the exit I hear this lady screaming very loudly. She is standing with her children in between the exit doors (there is a set of doors, a little waiting area and then another set of doors). I look over and find this women grabbing her daughter by the back of the neck and swinging her around so her daughter's face was about 1 inch from her own. As she violently shakes her daughter (violently may be harsh, but it was extreme) she continues to scream and say things I can't quite understand except that her daughter must've demanded something in the store and this did not please her mother (obviously). I stared, gave her the evil eye, hoping that she would calm down and realize she was being ridiculous. Now, I am no prude. I realize children can be real pains in the #$@ in stores and sometimes it takes everything within you to not blow your top or send your child packing with some lucky customer, but how much is too much? I often wonder if you are willing to act so forcefully with your child in public, what are you doing at home? Am I the only one?
I realize I only have a 2 1/2 year old, but they (well I should speak for myself I suppose and say she) can be pretty rotten in a store. Granted she doesn't beg for anything too often and when I tell her no the worst she does is scream -- no profanity's thus far. So I can't really speak from experience, except from my own childhood, which I don't remember my parents publicly beating me (though I could be suppressing it I suppose).
I feel I should add again that I am not someone who feels that a child should never be spanked or that disciplining a child will ruin them forever, I think just the opposite in fact. What are your opinions on the matter? Too much or deserved? Do you think worse things are happening at home?
8 comments:
Gosh - kids are such a pain! I had to deal with this with Polly the other day wanting a Mickey Mouse stuffed animal. She was being SO BAD & running away from me as I am carrying the infant carrier. She has NEVER been so bad. I was somehow able to control my temper, a nice lady that worked there helped me with Bruce so I could struggle with Polly out to the car. It was a NIGHTMARE! I have learned that I won't say or do something I regret if I just hold my breath & not say a word until we get home. When we are home, the discipline is routine. When we get in the car I can tell her just how mad I am, screaming or not, I can do it all without making a scene. I know it is probably sometimes unavoidable, but I do my best to keep it cool until I feel in control of what I will say or do. I think sometimes I have treated Polly worse in the store than I would at home. At the store there is no time-out chair, no sending her to her room, so I am DESPERATE but like I said, I try to do my best to wait until I won't cause a huge scene in the middle of a public place. Not that I have never spanked Polly because I have. Sometimes it is the only way to grab her attention & then attempt to rationalize with her. Yeah right! Rationalize? a 2 year old? not so far :)I do agree with you, to make a long story short. Hopefully that lady was just having a bad day. Heaven knows Polly asks for EVERYTHING she sees at the store & I rarely give in & have never shaken her or screamed at her...yet...and I hope it stays that way!
I definitely feel that if someone will lose their temper to that point in public, that it will be worse in private. That being said, however, I do know people who do what they do regardless of where they are. So, that could be the worst of it and that mom just doesn't care who sees.
Honestly, though, the kid she was yelling at was 9 years old. That's old enough to know when to quit and also respond to non-yelling, non-grabbing discipline. At the same time, I'm sure the kid knows exactly how to push all mom's buttons, too. It seems, (from my outside I-don't-have-a-9-yr.-old perspective), that parents who react that way haven't had a good handle on appropriately disciplining the kids up to that point. I always feel sorry for both the parents and the kids in those situations. The parents because they obviously don't know (or don't care) how to change their behavior, and the kids because they're the brunt of adult frustration.
In my experience with working with children (keep in mind I have seen worse case scenario) generally people who are willing to behave like that in public are more than likely doing worse things at home. They have no self control and do not realize the extreme behavior they are exerting. Heaven knows I have lost my temper a time or two, lol, but if I am in public I really work hard at keeping my cool and saving the disciplining for the car or home. I can't imagine what a 9 year old would have done to warrant being treated that way!
I can usually keep it together in public. I do in private most of the time too, although I've lost my temper in the past. Just today, for example, Eli was showing quite the attitude and his latest thing is expressing some sort of disrespect over and over again toward me regardless of how many times I warn him or tell him to stop. We were on our way to the store and he would not keep his mouth quiet and yup, I finally started yelling at him. I don't ever insult my kids or tell them they are "bad" - but I do express how wrong their choices were and that they have earned a consequence. And I usually only start yelling when all the talking hasn't gotten me anywhere because my four year old continues to talk above me while disregarding my warnings.
Soooo, I guess I think that kids of any age can push parents to the limit. I know I've had dirty looks from parents who've assumed something (keep in mind, I wasn't yelling or doing anything. It was something Eli has said and we all know he's a story teller.) and so, knowing that I yell too when I'm pushed far enough, I don't like to immediately think badly of the parent. However, there is a difference between yelling/raising one's voice and then shrieking. Add in physical punishment with the shrieking, well - I don't think it's a good way to parent although I think more good intentioned parents have been there more often than they would care to admit. But it doesn't necessarily mean more is going on behind closed doors. It could go either way but I think that if someone is that open in public, they may just not have any problem letting it all hang out in the open and you could be seeing the worst there is.
Either way, I believe a nine year old can definitely push a parent too far (Heck, my four year old can!!). And who knows what that nine year old said or did before the store? And who knows what that mother's day was like? Who knows how many times she warned then against certain behavior?
Yes, the mother probably should have handled it better, and it was probably too much, but depending on the entire situation, I try to judge how I would want someone to judge me. With compassion for me and my kids. . .because it's going to take a miracle for all of us to come out of the next 18 years emotionally unscathed.
-Melanie
(P.S. I'm too lazy to sign in.)
Wow these comments are long! I am surprised she would act that way in public. Nowadays she could get in a lot of trouble for that! I do think she was probably over-reacting and if she is willing to do that in public then I believe that it's worse at home. My kids have had their moments at the store, I usually just leave and do the disciplining at home. All in all no kid no matter what they did deserves to be shaken by the neck and screamed at, and in public? That'll ruin a kid! Now timeout, losing a privilege, a spanking, etc. that I agree with.
Well now...here comes the old lady again. I don't remember beating any of you in public, I could just give you the look and you would crumble. And, I usually told you before entering a store, "We are not here to buy anything for you." If that was the case. We were so poor you guys had to take turns choosing which pack of gum you would all share! Usually, you guys would stare at kids that were in trouble and be entertained. However, the time we went to the Commissary and a mom took off her belt and started threatening and whacking her kid really upset those of you who remember it. NOW there was an experience! As for therapy...I HIGHLY SUGGEST THAT ALL OF MY CHILDREN GET SOME!!! Just don't let the therapist pull up junk or help you make up junk that really didn't happen.
You know I had a similar thing happen. We were coming out of Sams Club and a mom was yelling at her what looked like 10 or 11 year old son. She was saying, okay poo poo head. What was that poo poo head. I can't hear you poo poo head. She kept saying over and over. I thought wow that's really showing him how to act. I felt bad for the kid, and then I continued to yell at my own, just kidding. I do think there are better ways to handle your children other thatn public humiliation.
One thing I know for sure, if I was a single parent it would be pretty tough to have patience. It sounds like she's over the top though. Two words for this parent that work really well for me:
Thumb screws.
Works every time.
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